I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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