Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
