I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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