allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
