If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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