My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Floor bacon is actually really good
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
