Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
