She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
