How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
