She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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