Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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