i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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