A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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