youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He passed out mid-signature
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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