Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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