the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
