she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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