He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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