The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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