Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
