went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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