that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
