He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
