Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
