I just pynch a tree in the face
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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