I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
