I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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