we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
