Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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