I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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