On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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