she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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