It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
