this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
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she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
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i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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