the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
