mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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