I will die if light touches me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.