I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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