I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
