you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
