so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
40s are totally the cure
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
