I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
