what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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