I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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