Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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