i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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