If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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