all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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