Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My vagina is officially offended.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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