You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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