I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
