Kareoke will never be a sober sport
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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