In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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