The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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