if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She's the barista slut.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
