and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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