well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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