My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
